Full Episode Transcript

Nancy Treaster: I was shocked when my best friend called. I was out of town to tell me that my husband had no idea what to do about his dinner. In this episode, we talk about leaving your loved one at home alone in the beginning. Sue, let’s get started. 

 

Sue Ryan: All right. The number one thing that we’re trying to do with our loved one and for us is to help them maintain their independence as long as possible, especially in the beginning of journey with their diagnosis and our journey as caregivers. It’s reasonable we’re concerned because this is something we haven’t dealt with before and so to your point with your husband’s dinner periodically things are going to come up and we’re like wow. So one of the things we know is that this phase is temporary. So we want to make sure that we’re doing everything we can to maximize what their journey is but it is temporary. It’s not going to last throughout their journey.

 

Nancy Treaster: So the place that we’re going to be talking about today is a variety of different tips in the areas of activities of daily living. So that we’re able to be looking for signs of how well they’re able to manage on their own. So just to expand on my dinner story. Yes. I was still traveling, still working, still traveling out of town periodically overnight. And I would make pre -made dinners, put them in the freezer. I’ve been doing this for months.

 

After my husband who had been diagnosed with dementia would get the meal out of the freezer and microwave it and eat his dinner. My best friend who lived up the street, bless her heart, would come down every time when I was out of town, pretend she wanted to have a glass of wine, have a glass of wine with him and just check to make sure that he successfully ate his dinner. Sure. That’s easy. For some reason we thought this was going to be a problem one day. Just part of it, right? Knowing what’s going to happen next.

 

Sue Ryan: Sure enough, I got the call. This phase is over. She got down there and he had no idea. She said, where’s your dinner? I don’t even have any food. He had no idea there was any food, didn’t know anything about the whole process. This phase has passed. This phase is done. We’re bringing you six tips to help you begin to know the things, the different things to look at so that you’re maximizing their independence as long as possible. It’s also really important that we’re minimizing our anxiety. Because the other side of this is we want to help make sure we’re keeping them safe, and yet if there are certain things that we’re getting so anxious about, then even before it’s time where they could maybe still handle it on their own, we may want to be getting them some support. So the first tip that we’re going to be starting with as it relates to activities of daily living is doing an audit. 

 

Sue Ryan: And the way I did the audit, is I began tracking the changes by keeping a notebook. And I would look through both with my dad and not as much with my grandmother, but with my dad and then with my husband is what are the different tasks they’re doing? How well are they able to do it? Where are they struggling with it? And are they struggling today, but maybe the next day they’re not struggling? And so when we’re starting to see patterns and things, for example, we’re going to list just a few different areas to monitor, a simple one.

 

And especially if your loved one is not living at home with you, is are they able to do the laundry, which is washing it, drying it, putting away. How do they look? Are their clothes wrinkled? Are their clothes clean? If you go over to see, kind of check the laundry room. And then another one is cleaning products and how clean are they able to keep the house. When you go over, how clean is the house? Really, really helpful is as soon as possible in the caregiving journey, especially whether you’ve got a loved one living at home.

 

or whether they’re farther away is replacing anything that could be harmful or hazardous with completely safe products. I’ve heard stories about where someone is cleaning the bathroom with products that are hazardous and that’s not a safe thing and then using them as hairspray. And so we just want to make sure that it’s just not even a part of the equation. And then speaking of clean, are they keeping themselves clean?

 

Sue Ryan: Yeah. Because that’s an early sign that you find they really can’t live at home alone anymore. They’re not cleaning their clothes and they’re not cleaning themselves. Yeah. And they’re not cleaning their house. And that’s pretty easy to detect. Yeah. You’ll figure that out pretty quickly. Yeah. Also safety around appliances. So are they, do you feel comfortable with them? They’re not leaving the stove on or the oven on. And safety around appliances is critical. We had a, in a caregiver support meeting, one of the caregivers was talking about the fact her husband had left the refrigerator door open all night long. And there are a variety of different stories we’ve heard. So it’s just tracking those kinds of things. Right, right. And that’s the laundry list of things. And we’ll put some of this in the show notes so you don’t have to take this list. These are just the audits, right? Check on this, check on that. Can they do this? And we’re going to give you that list. But another one is locking and unlocking doors. Sure. are they locking themselves out? Or are they not locking the doors and allowing other people to be able to come in? And then safety.

 

at a very high level. How safe are they around the house? Are they starting to bump into things? Are they tripping over rugs? So as you look around the house, you’re going to be starting to become aware of things that you could be monitoring. One other thing that I heard in a support meeting is a woman who had, she was the mom and she always loved to iron. And one day the children came over and she had been ironing and she had left the iron on the ironing board face down. my. And really no, they said there’s no reason the house didn’t burn down.

 

Sue Ryan: Well, thermostat control is another thing. Are they not really realizing what they’re doing, jacking it up, jacking it down? having someone physically come check in part of the audit, is everything okay? Sure. So thermostat control is a problem. When we do the audit, we’re going to be able to figure out things that we can be doing about it. For example, you could replace a regular thermostat with something that’s got a cover so they couldn’t. But starting with the audit, because they may do it one time and not, or we’re developing patterns. So we’re really trying to figure out the different kinds of things. And there’s a solution for everything. There’s new technology for so many different things. We’re gonna put a lot of things in the show notes for you and give you the list of some of these things to be monitoring. you’ve got some ideas about it, but it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. So Nancy, what’s the next tip? 

 

Nancy Treaster: Well, one more thing I’ll add to the concept. We also, we have put this in the show notes, but we also have a whole episode on overall home safety. Where we give a lot of solutions for some of the things that are safety oriented. 

 

Nancy Treaster: So to me, audit number one, what is happening, what are they capable of doing, what do you need to be able to keep an eye on, so know what things you’re watching. But there’s several things that are deal breakers. Can they feed themselves? Early sign of that is weight loss. If someone does not live with them on a regular basis, so you’re not seeing it easily like I was or my friend was.

 

Nancy Treaster: If you go to visit them or friends go to visit them, is there a significant weight loss that’s unexplainable? Very common. I’ve got some friends that are really working hard to keep their father at home independently, but they realized he wasn’t effectively grocery shopping and he wasn’t really making his meals. But he could feed himself. So they have weekly delivery from their local grocery store. They…

 

Nancy Treaster: One of the sisters lives in the same city so she makes pre -made meals, puts them in the freezer like I did and her, their father can still get them out and use them. And then periodically they’ll have meals delivered. But they’re controlling and making sure that the meals are being eaten and checking and auditing on a weekly basis is the food being eaten as well. is great, yeah. And in your audit, one of the things to be auditing is things like the pantry and the refrigerator and freezer. Is the food stale? 

 

Sue Ryan: Is the food spoiled, is there food in the refrigerator and in the freezer? Is it even there? sure. We talk about food being very important and the other one that is equally as important on that and it’s also a deal breaker is making sure they’re staying hydrated. There are symptoms of dehydration that include urinary tract infections and those are horrible. They’re very common in seniors, especially if they’ve started developing incontinence or like my dad.

 

Sue Ryan: They just didn’t want to go to the bathroom. They didn’t want to be out in public. It was a challenge. And so he didn’t want to drink because he didn’t want to have the struggle. And what we did with my grandmother and my dad is we would get out the amount of drinks they had to have during the day. We’d eat eight ounce glasses so that every single day they knew how much they needed to drink. And we were monitoring both their food and their hydration. That’s really important. Yeah. Well, our brains are about 80 % water, so we better keep them.

 

Nancy Treaster: Very good point. So deal breaker is meals, food and hydration. Second deal breaker, communication. Can they physically answer the phone or use the phone to call 911 if they need to? If they can’t communicate to the outside world, they shouldn’t be living alone. And you can’t communicate to them. Right. If the outside world can’t get in or they can’t get out, they shouldn’t be living alone. That’s a deal breaker. A lot of people check that by having a regular phone call check in every day, a regular text. One of my friends doesn’t talk to her mother every day, but at the end of every night before she goes to bed, they have a text. And then the first thing in the morning, they have a text. That’s fine. Touching base is a great step. I would also highly suggest that you begin to introduce cameras, indoor and outdoor, and that you make sure those cameras have intercoms.

 

Nancy Treaster: It is not uncommon, especially if they don’t have a home phone, for them to forget to charge their phone. And so an Intercom gives you another way to communicate with them if their phone is battery -ist dead. And cameras, you don’t have to make a huge deal out of we’re putting cameras all over the house immediately kind of thing. You can introduce cameras with the agreement that we’re going to put cameras in so that if we can’t communicate with you, we can communicate through the intercom on the camera or we can turn the cameras, they’ll be off all the time, only if we can’t communicate with you will we turn the cameras on and look to see if everything’s okay and then use the intercom to try to communicate. Just getting the cameras in the door is 50 % of the equation. You’ve crossed a huge bridge that way.

 

Sue Ryan: And a big tip with that is having it be about you.  Okay, good idea. now, it’s when they want to maintain their own independence. You’re like, okay, we want to make sure you’re being safe and to help us have peace of mind. We want to bring in the cameras so that because we can’t be there all the time and you want to be home, let’s have this as a trade -off that we’ll do it so that we can have our peace of mind. True. And when I say cameras on the inside, that’s to check, obviously, if you can’t communicate with them, have they fallen or is there something dramatically wrong?

 

Sue Ryan: But cameras on the outside help monitor, well of course if they go outside, but secondly, the kinds of people that are around the house. Yes, absolutely. And that’s a big thing too. Now I’ve got an outside story with cameras. All right. One of my friend’s moms wanted to have her independence and she was living at home alone and very, very social person and she would see people, she had a big picture window in the front of the house, she would see people coming down the street and she would go open the front door and wave at them and say, She had a little house coat on. Do you wanna come in and have a cup of tea? Do you wanna come in for a visit? And my friend got a call one day and said, did you know your mom is inviting people to come in and visit? Off the street. Off the street. At any rate, nothing bad happened. However, they immediately put in the outside cameras. Good.and then they put in the inside camera. So there are a lot of reasons for it. 

 

Nancy Treaster: All right, well that’s scary, but it turned out okay. Third deal breaker. First, meals and hydration. Second, communication. Medication management. If they can’t take their medication on their own while they’re home alone, they can’t live alone. So medication management. I will say, the same friends that have the groceries delivered to their dad, there’s three of them and they live in different time zones have a check -in time, their dad has both dementia and he has diabetes. And he just takes medication three times a day. So each child has a time that they check in with dad and say, in the morning, dad, have you taken your morning medication? It’s not just the check -in that’s critical, but where the medication is. The medication is in view of the camera so that they can watch him take his medication. So sometimes,

 

Nancy Treaster: My friend says she’ll call and say, Dad, did you take your lunch pills? And he says, yeah. And she can watch him in the camera walk over to where the pills are, take his pills. But guess what? They’re supporting his independence in an amazing way. He knows they are. Yes, good point. He knows they are. He knows they are. It’s a partnership. Yeah. And there’s other ways besides calling them, obviously. At least early on, there’s in today’s world so many different sophisticated medication dispensing technology and trackers that will remind people on apps, remind more than one person, not just the person who needs to take the medication, but a caregiver that the medication needs to be taken, that the medication has been taken or at least it’s been opened. So there’s a lot of great technology helping with medication management, but if they can’t manage to take their medication, they can’t live alone. Deal breaker. Deal breaker.

 

Sue Ryan: Let’s talk about a couple more tips. The next one is tracking and tracking them for safety. And it’s not just their safety. It’s also tracking it for our safety and for our anxiety and stuff. And so one of the things is tracking their driving ability. And we’ve got a whole podcast episode on driving. And yet in the very beginning, when they still have their independence and they still can be driving, one of the ways that we can very casually see how well they’re driving without even bringing up taking away is ask them if you can ride along with them when they’re going on an errand and then go with them and then say, on the way home, can we stop over here? So take them out of their normal routine. If they would normally just go to the grocery store and come back, say, could you run me over here? I need to drop something off here. I need to pick something up at the hardware store. Things like that to get them out of their routine and then see. There are a variety of different personal tracking devices, their wearable shoe inserts, GPS, all different kinds of things they can have. And you’ve got some things that… 

 

Nancy Treaster: Well, a friend of mine also bought her mom an Apple Watch. that allows them to track where she is, which is awesome, but it also has a fall detection. So another example, there’s a lot of multipurpose devices out there that really help manage more than one challenge with leaving someone alone.

 

Sue Ryan: And feeling and like you said reducing your anxiety and helping balance with their independence. their independence which is really great and now we come to the last tip. Alright tip six. Tip six and this is huge and that is creating a support team and the support team is for them as well as for us and especially if we’re you know whether we whether our loved one is with us or away from home and especially if they’re away from home we want to make sure that we’ve got a team of people that are available at different times of day and they’re available for different kinds of support. that, for example, could they care for someone at night? that they have access to, and again, I created the notebook. Of course you did. Yeah, I did. But what I wanted to do is… Tell us about your notebooks. Yeah, that’s right. Well, I’ve told a lot of people about the notebook, and people laugh at me, but then they do it. Because what I wanted to do is I’m thinking of…my loved ones independence, I’m also thinking of their safety. So what are the things that I can be doing to help have as many people available at different times of day or in different locations as possible for them as well as for me? What happens if something happens to me and I have to go to the hospital? Who could come step in or if I have a loved one away from home? And so it’s what are their medication schedules? What are their dietary needs?

 

Sue Ryan: What are the emergency procedures? Who were the backup people? And make sure that they’ve got everything that they can. Okay, and I will say I did go a little bit overboard. In case it was in a situation where the power went off, I did have a flash. I did have a flashlight there. However, the notebook has a little flashlight next to it just in case the power Yeah, it did. You’re hilarious. However, I’m trying to keep them as independent. And then also, the final thing I did with the notebook,

 

of the people who I had listed on the team, I periodically checked in with them. And if there was a change or something, I gave them an update. So they all had a digital version of it, but I always kept a printed version in front. And it’s really helpful because it does. It helps for safety for them and for us. So it’s just a great way to do an audit and keep information. And all those people either need keys to the house or some sort of a code. If you’ve got a digital way to get in the house, you can give different codes to different people. So it’s easy to monitor.

 

But that’s important if you’ve got a support team. Something happens to you or like my friends whose father lives in a different time zone, if something happens and they can’t communicate with them, they’ve got a neighbor they can call who will walk over and see if you can figure out what’s going on. So our support teams are whether we’re local or long distance, absolutely. all right. 

 

Nancy Treaster: So let’s summarize. Today we talked about leaving your care receiver or your loved one at home alone.In the beginning, this is a temporary situation. They will not be able to live at home alone forever. We offered six tips. They start with, I think they’re sandwiched quite nicely actually, they start with monitoring and auditing, auditing their activities of daily living, monitor them, audit them, and then monitor them. Keep an eye on them. Deal breakers, tip two, food and hydration.

 

Nancy Treaster: Tip three, communication. Can you communicate with them? Can they communicate with you? Tip four, medication management. Can they take their medication? Yes or no. If they can’t, deal breaker. Tip five, tracking their safety. If they’re able to stay home alone, they’re probably still driving. Do we know where they are? If we can’t find them, where are they? Tracking their car and tracking their person. And then sandwiched on the other end is a support team which I really think is a critical part of your team because this is as much about managing your anxiety because leaving someone with dementia at home alone can be a very unsettling situation. You want to make sure that you put yourself in the best possible position to minimize your anxiety. So these are our tips. If you have tips and you think others would benefit from them, we would love to have you share those on our Facebook page or Instagram page. You can link to that in the show notes.

 

We also will put in the show notes different products that we discussed here in this podcast. And I’d love to leave you with this. We know that leaving them alone is temporary. And it’s a lot of work to help continuously monitor the situation. But you’ll be able to handle it. You’ll get ahead of it and you’ll think through these things like we’ve discussed here. And in the end, you’ll get through this situation just fine. You will. Breathe. We’ve got you.