Sue Ryan And Nancy Treaster

I wish I’d known that the shower was gonna completely go away. If I’d known that, I would have stopped pushing my husband so hard to take a shower where he was so frustrated and so much angst around it. And I would have saved us both months of struggle and frustration. But I didn’t, so I pushed and I lost anyway. So what good was that?

 

Now you know and that’s part of the reason why we’re doing what we’re doing so you can learn faster and more easily than we did.  So in this episode, we’re gonna talk about helping you help your care receiver with bathing and dressing. We have four tips. Are you ready to get started? 

 

I am. 

 

Sue
Bathing and dressing are two of the early signs that your care receiver is shifting from that in the beginning phase of their caregiving journey to that messy middle phase. 

 

Nancy

When we talk about in the beginning, what we really mean in the beginning is when you’re just helping, prompting. And then there’s a part where you move from helping and prompting to asserting control. And that’s usually where it starts to get a bit messy because they still think they can do everything and you know they can’t. And then we have the third area or phase of caregiving that we call later on, which is when you’ve really taken control and they’re good with it. 

 

Sue

They’re good with it, yeah. They’ve kind of gotten past all of that. So when we’re in this kind of this period where we’re shifting to where we’re beginning to help assert control, we’re more supporting them. And some of the signs that that’s happening is that they don’t automatically get dressed. They don’t automatically shower. They need to be prompted. We notice if they live alone that right away we can notice if they’re not there and they’re not, start again with that one. Signs that they are kind of transitioning into this messy middle are that they don’t automatically shower. They don’t automatically change their clothes. They might not be changing their clothes correctly. If it’s someone who lives alone,

 

You can pretty much tell right away when they’re not bathing. Another one is you suggest they take a shower or notice they come out afterward, their hair is dry, they don’t have that smell that you would after you’ve just changed your clothes. Or you sneak in there and look and the soap’s still dry. Soap’s still dry, there’s body odor. Or you prompt them to get dressed and they come out with clothes that are not appropriate for the season and or like your father -in -law, Nancy,  when your mother -in -law sent him in to get dressed he came out with a bathrobe on and he was all good to go. I had a care receiver who came out with the underwear on top of the pants okay and there are a variety of different signs that it’s it’s it’s time for us to begin to be asserting control being supportive exactly exactly and that you know you have to give yourself a lot of grace because this is happening and it’s frustrating for you that all of a sudden they’re not able to dress themselves or successfully take a shower and you’re still early in your journey too. So you’re just getting used to the idea that you’re gonna have to start asserting control. And we’re just suggesting that you do it, give yourself some grace and say, know, it’s okay that that’s a bit frustrating for me, but try not to let it show. 

 

Sue

Try to still be pleasant and nice and not make these things into a big deal. If they come out with their bathroom on, internally give yourself a little chuckle and say, you know what, let’s go in there and look and see what else we can find to wear. On the other hand, if this really is disturbing for you, because again, this is in the beginning and we don’t necessarily know, this is a good time to reach out for support. This is a great time to be talking in support groups or talking to other people because you’re adjusting to the journey just as they are. So just try not to make a big deal out of it to them.

 

Nancy Treaster

Right. You can call your best friend and make as big a deal out of it as you want to because you do need to get it out. No question. Yes, you do. You do need to get it out. Good example of that is my husband would come out with his shoes on the wrong feet pretty much 50% of the time, right? So I guess we were just guessing when we put our shoes on. And I learned to just roll with it. And so next time he sat down, I’d lean down in front of him and say, let’s fix these shoes real quick but not make a big deal out of it, you know, roll with it. He’s not going to a black tie event. It doesn’t matter if he’s shoes are on the wrong feet for an hour. So just, you know, find some grace for you and find some grace for your care receiver. So just ask yourself these questions. When’s the last time they took a shower? Was it yesterday? Do they really have to take one today? Is it that big a deal? So they have their shoes on the wrong feet. Is that such a big deal? How important is it?

 

Nancy

All right, well, you want to talk about tip one first? It’s a good place to start, tip one. 

 

Sue

I am. 

 

Nancy

The first tip is about simplifying instructions and this really takes on simplifying period but instructions takes on its own little world and that is at the beginning you may say something like “Hey, we’ve got to leave in about 30 minutes, why don’t you run in and take a shower and get dressed and then we’ll go.” And because they still have access to the process, you’re prompting them on what to do and telling them that it’s time to do it. But you don’t have to babysit the process. Soon enough, you’ll figure out because you’re observing and adjusting at all times. Soon enough, you’ll figure out that that goes nowhere. They go back out in there and they’re not coming out from their bedroom and you’ll figure out they don’t actually know how to do what you just told them to do.

 

Nancy Treaster 

It’s too much instruction. So you start to give one instruction at a time. Let’s go back here, it’s time for you to take a shower. Then you mention that it’s time to get dressed. Then you mention that it’s time to go. All of that doesn’t have to be told at one time. Then even just taking a shower will become too much. You’ll have to say, let’s go in here and take your clothes off. And while we’re taking your clothes off, let’s turn the water on. So the amount of instruction you give, is relevant to the situation, you just need to observe and adjust your instructions at all times. And they’ll always need to get more and more simple. 

 

Same thing with their clothing. The more you can simplify their clothing, the easier it be for them to continue to maintain the independence of getting dressed. Examples are slip on shoes. Tying shoes becomes something that’s more complicated, slip on shoes much easier to deal with.

 

Pants that don’t require belts, because putting on a belt is another thing that has to happen. So the less we require belts, the better. Shirts that button up the front, that becomes something difficult to deal with. So slip -on shirts like pullovers. And we have some adaptive clothing suggestions in episode 11, where we talk about incontinence and some adaptive clothing that makes it easier to deal with incontinence. That adaptive clothing is just as relevant here when we’re simplifying the kind of clothes that they can put on. 

 

Sue

Yeah, post surgery or adaptive clothing, they have absolutely come so far and they’ve got great looking things that are in both categories. There’s a particular website that has got fantastic looking clothes called Joe and Bella. Look it up, it’s amazing. Excellent. All right, I think we’re ready for tip two. 

 

Sue

Tip two. As the journey progresses, they’re going to start having challenges with the process of bathing and the process of dressing. So we’re going to be injecting ourselves in that process with them a little bit more. And we’ll go from observing or having them go in there with them, being in the room now. So we’re going to be in the same room with them. 

 

Sue

And, because of course I kept lists and notebooks about everything and recognized that there would be a day when there would be someone else providing some care, whether it was with me at home or in a continuing care community,

 

I wanted to know their natural rhythm, their natural pattern of both bathing and dressing. so leveraging what their natural pattern already is as we start working in there more with them. 

 

Nancy

And so that’s important because I think that you and I even discussed it. The order which you bathe in, in terms of wash your hair and bathe is the different than the order I bathe in. We don’t wanna give instruction or prompt in the order we would do it if we can avoid it. We wanna preferably give them and prompt them in the order they would do it because that’s what they have to fall back on. And as much as we can do to support them with that, the better it is. 

 

Sue

So really, really good point. And there are times for those of us who also, depending on your relationship with your loved one, you can actually in the bathing process, in the showering process, you may be get in the shower with them whether you’re in the shower with them or you’re just prompting them from outside, you’re actually trying to help get a little bit ahead of it, the next thing they were going to do. So it seems like they still remember what it is and they’re still doing it. So that’s one of the things. then positive reinforcement. The more often we’re reassuring them because they’re really not confident about what they’re doing anymore. And the more that we’re like, that’s great the more calm and the relaxed they are, and maybe they will kind of remember something. We’re gonna get to the point where we need to prepare the entire process for them, whether it’s bathing or dressing, and they usually, because they do usually happen at the same time, it’s usually for both. So we’re going to know all the pieces to get out that they use for bathing. 

 

Now one of the things that I did as well is that I observed the temperature that both my dad and my husband wanted the shower at. And so I put a black magic marker on there so I would know when I was helping them get the water the correct temperature that I could get the correct temperature. 

 

Nancy

That’s really good, I like that. I didn’t even think of that. There you go. A tip within a tip, I like it.

 

Sue

So it really helps them so that they’re not struggling because the water’s too cold or the water’s too hot, things like that. So it’s again. And then we help them take their clothes off.

 

And we, know, even if it’s just guiding them where to put them and things like that, we’ve got everything all laid out for them. And then whether we’re in the shower or in the bath with them or whether we’re helping from the sidelines, it’s either handing it to them or preempting or whatever we can do so they’re able to stay with it as much as possible. Now, when my husband began having trouble with bathing, I began supporting him originally by first saying, me get the water temperatures correct. So I got in the shower with him. an excuse to get in there. It was the excuse to get in there. So I got in there with that. Well, and then I was near the soap. used the exact same excuse to get there. you go. then you’re in there and you’re doing something that they want. And then I knew the first thing that he did was the soap and I knew what order the shampoo. So I already had all of those things there. So it really was a very gradual, it was a very easy transition.

 

Sue

Not the same thing everybody will do, but whatever it is that works for you, keep trying to make it as simple as possible for them. And then, okay. This was an extremely important tip. Really, really helpful. This is something that happened with my uncle and my grandmother. And it is that my grandmother was always quite petite. And my uncle was big enough to lift her. mean, absolutely no problem lifting her.

 

So he felt no problem bathing her. She always took baths, not showers, she just took baths. So he would help her into the bath and then he would help bathe her. And then he would help dry her and help get her all out. And his knees started hurting and his back started hurting and he just started aching all over. And they finally brought in a professional caregiver to teach him what to do. She observed him and she said, well, you’re doing it all wrong. And it’s reasonable because you’ve never been trained. And so even someone who’s quite petite, quite light. And so think of it, like my husband was definitely not any of those. It’s really helpful for us to learn. It’s reasonable we don’t know. Now, Nancy and I did go out to try to find a YouTube video that could show you how to do this, and we couldn’t find one. So we’re not great at telling you with a video how to do it. However, professionals do know how to do it.

 

Nancy

Well, the other thing I found when I went out and looked at videos was there’s a lot of videos telling you, helping you cajole your care receiver into the shower or into the bath. Remember how I started? I wish I knew that the shower was going away. I don’t know why you would spend an hour and a half trying to get somebody to take a bath or a shower. Like put their feet in first and just get their feet a little bit wet and used to the water because there’s… I’m like, why in the world do I need that angst as a caregiver? I’ve already got enough angst and concern with everything else going on. And why do I feel it’s so critical that they get this entire bathing experience happens? I don’t know. 

 

Sue

And the products are so good now. mean, you’ve there shampoo caps. are these Scrubzz. 

 

Nancy

You’re taking my tip away.

Sue

Sorry. 

 

Nancy

Shall we move to tip three? 

 

Sue

Yeah, let’s move tip three. 

 

Nancy

Tip three is to move on to a sponge bath. Get over it.

 

Honestly, my husband hasn‘t had our shower in three and a half years. I had a nurse come in not too long ago. And the first thing she said is, well, he smells great. And I said, well, isn’t that interesting? He hadn’t had a shower in three and a half years. The products out there today are fabulous. There’s no reason why we have to put them through or you through as the caregiver. I wouldn’t want to spend an hour and a half trying to get the shower taken care of or the bath. So no one needs to go through that process. You can bathe them with non -rinse bathing wipes. They go under the warm water. They get soapy like a soapy washcloth. You soap them down, however their body, like a bath, sponge bath, and then you towel them off. There’s no rinsing required or anything. You don’t need a wet washcloth or anything. You just towel the soapiness off. We use the lavender scented ones. They smell good. Apparently this nurse agreed with us.

 

Same thing for their hair. The same people that make the non -rinse bathing wipes make non -rinse shampoo caps. So if they have hair that needs to be washed some other way, use non -rinse shampoo caps. We use those for my father -in -law all the time. They work great. And then you just towel it off. So lots and lots of great products that don’t take near, they don’t take an hour and a half to convince someone to take a bath. And when they’re incontinent, you’re going to wash them from the waist down every single day. But at some point, they don’t need a bath from the waist up every single day. But every two or three days, you’re going to change their shirts and wash their body. Good. Towel them off, put on deodorant, put lotion on their body, their face, whatever you would normally do, and get them sort of all spruced up. Speaking of faces, by the way, there’s a great thing that I learned from a dementia caregiver support Facebook page that I come to find out Sue uses on her face anyway, called Burt’s Bees, Micellar water. So for my husband’s face, because it’s got stubble on it, we can’t use the spongy soapy wipes. I’m not sure I’d want to anyway, because they’re soapy. But we just use a washcloth and we use this. We use a washcloth and this water and it really does a fabulous job of cleaning his skin. So Sue was quick to point out that’s not just for men because she actually uses it her face too. It’s not just for dementia. It’s not just for men. 

 

Sue

So yeah, it’s wonderful. And I learned about it from a woman. So wonderful. They’re great products.

 

Nancy

We talk more about cleaning your care receiver in episode 11 when they’re incontinent and we talk about all these same products as well. if you want to hear more about that, listen to episode 11. There you go. All right, ready to move for tip four? 

 

Sue

Tip four is helping them with their dressing process. Okay. And we’ve talked about the fact that over time we’re going to assert more control. Yes. Part of it is going to be if they are still able to go to the bathroom correctly and they’re not incontinent. So they’re not in, whether it’s a permanent or a temporary incontinence underwear, they can still probably stay in their own pants. However, you may want to have it be some, like we were saying, that are easier for them to get on and off. Right, don’t need belts, et cetera. Don’t need the belts. However, the adaptive clothing is so great now that getting them into that is very comfortable. They’re designed to be very, very comfortable because they are for like either recovering from surgery or adaptive for the dementia. And especially if they’ve begun to be in that phase of being incontinent where there’s a depend involved somewhere or disposable incontinence underwear somewhere involved, the sooner that you put them into that, the easier it’s going to be. When you’re addressing them though, the more that you can have them participate in any of the processes, the better that it is. And a part of that is the safety in the room that they’re in. So you also want to look at their balance. So you want things if you don’t want to be covering their face. If you’re going to put socks on, you want them seated, not just on the edge of the bed where they could fall or anything like that, but in a firm place. 

 

So look at the environment that’s going to keep them the safest, the clothing that are going to be the easiest for them and the ones that are going to help them through like more people tend to get colder. They’re not exercising as much. So you may want things that have, they may have a long sleeve, but they may have a lighter sleeve, but it’s just gonna keep them from being a little bit cold. So just be very observant to all that as you’re dressing them. Like everything, observe and adjust through the dressing, through your participation in the dressing process, but eventually you’re gonna own it.  Owning what kind of clothes they wear is also part of that process. It is. And it’s being very attentive though to whether they’re hot or cold. Yep, that is so. Yeah, that is well. 

 

Nancy

All right. We ready to summarize? 

 

Sue

We are. 

 

Nancy

So today we talked about helping you help your care, helping you help. Today we talked about helping you help your care receiver with bathing and dressing. And we had four tips. 

 

The first one was about simplifying instructions. The second one was about beginning to inject yourself into the bathing and showering process. The third one was about moving on to a sponge bath. And the fourth one was about injecting yourself into the dressing process. 

 

Now, if you have tips around bathing and dressing that you’d like to share with other people with us, please go out to our Facebook page, our Instagram page and leave those tips so we all can see them. We’d really appreciate it. 

 

Sue

We sure would. 

 

Nancy

If you like this podcast, please subscribe and rate and review it so other people can find it more easily. And any products we discussed in this podcast, we will also leave links to in the show notes. As well as the link to the other episode we referenced. And links to any other episodes we refer to as well. So bathing and dressing is really about observing and adjusting.

 

It is at the beginning a little bit in the shocking category where every time they come out with their bathrobe on, you get a little shock like, something’s wrong. And that’s reasonable. Be okay with not being okay. Yes, it just gives you a little gut punch, like just reminds you that something’s not right. So you’re gonna at the beginning of this process, find yourself needing to take a deep breath. And so give yourself some grace.

 

But remember to also give your care receiver some grace. They don’t know when they put their bathrobe on that that wasn’t the proper thing to do. So just give yourself some grace at the beginning of the process till you get comfortable with it and figure out the things. You’re just gonna let them go. Let’s don’t worry so much about them. If his shoes are on the wrong feet, so it’ll be fine. 

 

Sue

And reach out for support, whether it’s for your own emotional support, whether it’s you’re doing something and you want to be taught how to do it and it’s something you’re not really sure about, don’t feel like you should know how to do this on your own. 

 

Nancy

Very good point, very good point, because we’re all on this journey together. 

 

Sue

We sure are.